Meeting Haruhi Suzumiya
by Alfonso Ling
Summary: A prolific Fan Fiction reviewer's dream comes true when she gets to meet Haruhi Suzumiya in person. But things don't go quite the way she expected.


**Disclaimer: ****I don't own "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" or any of its characters and I am not profiting in any way from this story. It is posted here for entertainment purposes only.**

* * *

I took a deep breath. Then I knocked on the clubroom door.

"Who's there?" I heard a girl's voice clearly through the door. My heart was beating at one hundred miles per hour!

"I'm Sarah," I said. "Can I come in?"

"Knock yourself out!"

I twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open. "Wow!" I couldn't hide my astonishment. The clubroom looked just the way I pictured it. The bookshelves, the tea station, the center table, Yuki's corner seat, and...

"Well, what do you want?" The voice came from the girl sitting behind the back desk near the window.

"You're Haruhi Suzumiya!" I squealed as I pointed my finger at the girl in the blue sailor uniform. "I can't believe it!"

"That's right," Haruhi replied, looking at me like I was retarded. "Who are you?"

"My name is Sarah."

Haruhi leaned back and crossed her arms across. "Right. You already told me that part."

"And I'm a slider."

"Well that's great," Haruhi said. "Because I could use one of those right now." She held out her hand and started counting her fingers. "Let's see. I've got an alien, an esper, a time traveler... and then there's Kyon."

"Hey wait a minute!" I said. "What's up with that? Since when do you know about the secret identities of the brigade members? That's not supposed to happen."

Haruhi pointed to her hairband. Instead of being the customary yellow color, it was red.

"It's red. What does that mean?" I asked.

"Whenever I wear the red hairband, it imparts knowledge. The problem is, it'll turn yellow in a few hours. When it does, I'm gonna forget everything I shouldn't know. My brain gets wiped completely clean."

"Like with the collar?" I asked.

"Collar? What collar?"

"Never mind."

Haruhi got out of her chair and walked past me. "Come on, slider. I'll give you a tour."

We walked down the hallway past the other clubrooms and took the stairs down to the door leading to the courtyard.

"Where are you from?" Haruhi asked, as we stepped through the door into the bright light of day. "Or I guess I should ask, from what dimension did you slide here?"

"We call it 'The Real World'," I said honestly for want of a better name. "It's a pretty interesting place." I looked around, amazed at what I was seeing - the actual exterior of North High, the school that some of my favorite people in the world went to. I still couldn't believe I was standing next to Haruhi Suzumiya!

She was just as pretty as she was in the shows. Three dimensions did a lot for her. And she carried herself with this confidence that just amazed me. I think Haruhi noticed my wide eyed star-struck stare. She gave me a quick friendly smile, shrugged her shoulders, and kept walking forward. I had the feeling I wasn't the first admirer to visit her from "The Real World".

"So you know that you're a god?" I asked. I couldn't help myself.

Haruhi laughed. "No Sarah, it's worse than that. I know that I'm the creation of some guy from your world named Nagaru Tanigawa, although Noizi Ito is probably the person most responsible for the way I look. She's the one that drew me."

Of course I knew that. But how did Haruhi know? "No way!" I replied. "You know about Nagaru Tanigawa?"

"Sure." Haruhi pointed to the red hairband. "He's the one that sent me this. I guess he knew you'd be coming by. You guys _are _from the same dimension, right?"

My mouth dropped open. I was speechless. Haruhi kept talking.

"So Sarah, that can't be your real name. What do you call yourself in 'The Real World'?" She punctuated the last words by making imaginary quote marks with her fingers.

"You mean my real name or my pen name?" Since we'd been talking about creators, illustrators and writers, I wasn't sure what she meant.

Haruhi shrugged. "Whatever. What do you like to call yourself over there?"

"Well, when it comes to you and your world, most people know me as Troglodytarum."

Haruhi frowned at me. "That's a strange name? How did end up with that?"

"I picked it. It's actually a type of banana."

Haruhi laughed. "Sigmund Freud much! What are you over there? Are you a boy or a girl?" Haruhi stuck her palm in my face. "Wait! Never mind, don't tell me. It'll just mess me up." Haruhi put her arm around my shoulders. "Tell you what. I'll just call you Troggy from now on. Is that okay, Troggy?"

I shrugged. "I suppose."

"So why did you come visit me, Troggy?" Haruhi asked. We were now strolling down the steep hill, toward the city below.

"Well, I've read all of your books. And I've seen all the TV shows - and the movie. I'm just a really, really big fan."

Haruhi smiled. "It's pretty crazy how popular I am over there." She tapped the red hairband. "Sometimes Nagaru puts newspaper clippings and reviews in the box with this. And before you ask, the answer is yes. They disappear the same time my hairband turns yellow. You know, for someone that goes around thinking she's just an ordinary high school girl, it's pretty crazy to see how much attention I get."

"Hey Haruhi," I asked. "Is it true that you never catch on? In the books you're so talented and smart. You must suspect something."

"Nope Troggy, I don't have a clue. I only get to know what Nagaru Tanigawa wants me to know. That's how it works for me. I don't mind so much. He sends me these red hairbands pretty often."

"Why does he do that?" I asked.

Haruhi stopped and turned to face me. "I always wondered about that. He never tells me. I think he does it to keep me humble. I get to feel like everyone in my Brigade. I mean, if Nagaru gets tired of me or gets hit by a car, that's it for me! My universe is over. It really sucks."

"You know there's a bunch of other people besides Nagaru Tanigawa that write about you, Haruhi. For instance, there's this one really big website called Fan Fiction dot net. They've got almost two thousand stories in your section and you're in just about every single one!"

"No kidding?" Haruhi looked genuinely surprised. "Why would people would do that?"

"I don't know," I said. "I guess cause you're so popular. Maybe what's out there isn't enough."

"Do you write stories about me?"

I looked down, a little embarrassed. "Naah. Not yet. But I review a lot of the stories other people write about you. I kinda try to keep everyone in line. I pick out problems with stories that aren't true to the books, OOC's, that kind of thing. I'm like quality control. I actually serve a really useful purpose."

"What's an OOC?"

"It stands for out-of-character. Like if you weren't acting the way you should act, I'd let the author know. It's pretty annoying when they do that."

"Hmmm." Haruhi squinted her eyes. "So Troggy, you must know me pretty well."

I laughed. "I do! You're such an awesome character!"

We reached the bottom of the hill and stopped.

"Where are we going?" I finally asked. I noticed we were standing across from the train station.

"I was thinking about putting you on a train," Haruhi said, only half joking. "But I like you. I want you to come with me. I'm going to be meeting Kyon for tea in a few minutes and I'm going to tell him I'm thinking of adding you to our Brigade."

We turned right at a busy intersection.

"You know I'm only gonna be here for a few hours, right?"

Haruhi shrugged. "Yeah, I know. Nagaru has sent me people before. I just like to light Kyon up now and then."

"Wait." Something she said had just sunk in. "So you _don't _forget everything when your hairband turns yellow."

"Sure I do. I told you that."

"But when you put on a new red hairband, you can remember about all the other times you wore one."

"Yeah, that's right."

"So it's really not like the collar at all," I said. "Cause with the collar you forget everything."

Haruhi stopped and gave me a perplexed look. "What's this collar you keep talking about?"

"It's nothing. It's just a thing one of the Fan Fiction authors wrote about. The collar makes you do crazy things."

"You mean OOC things?" Haruhi asked.

"I don't know. Not exactly. I mean, you _are _pretty out there."

Haruhi looked at me like I just ate a bug. "Okay." Then she turned and pushed open the door to the cafe.

"Over here!" Kyon was waving his hand. "Hey," he said to Haruhi.

"Hey," Haruhi replied. "I hope you don't mind. I brought a friend. Her name is Trogladyte."

"Trogladytarum," I corrected her. "Actually you can call me Sarah if you want to."

Kyon got up and smiled. He offered me his hand. "Hi, I'm Kyon."

"Troggy here is interested in joining the SOS Brigade. I think she'd make a great member. What do you think?"

Now Kyon looked at Haruhi like _she _just ate a bug. "Since when do I have any say in something like that?"

"You don't." Haruhi shrugged. "Hey, I gotta go to the ladies room. Order me my usual. Be right back." Haruhi walked off toward the back of the cafe.

Kyon didn't waste any time. "Are you sure you want to be in this club? It's not for everybody, you know."

I smiled. "Actually I think I'd fit right in. You see, I'm a slider."

Kyon gave me the most shocked expression I ever saw someone give. "For real?"

"Yep." I was going to have some fun with this. Haruhi would be proud.

Then Kyon's shocked expression turned into a mischievous smile. "I know," he said.

"Huh?" Now I was a bit flummoxed. "How did you know that?"

"Troggy, it's me."

"Of course it's you. I recognize you from the anime."

"No. It's me. Al. You know, Alfonso Ling! The author you always rip on."

"NO WAY!" I said. The patrons in the cafe looked over at me.

"Way. Check out the by-line at the top of this story."

"What the fudge are you doing in here?" I was more than a little bit shocked.

"Hey, I could ask you the same question." Kyon - or someone that looked exactly like Kyon, let's call him Non-Kyon - crossed his arms over his chest. "By the way, thanks for not using the full F-word there. I might still be able to hold this story down to a 'T' rating."

"I know that's a lot of work for someone like you!" I spit back. "You friggin' pervert!"

"Aww come on, Troggs. So I push things over the line now and then. The stories _have _an 'M' rating." He winked at me. "Thanks again, by the way for not dropping that F-bomb."

"I should have known you'd do something like this. Seriously, a red hairband that causes memory loss! Can't you come up with something a little more original?"

Non-Kyon looked a little offended. "Hey, it's a formula that worked for me before. Besides, I haven't seen you write anything better. Trogadellic!" Kyon leaned forward and lowered his voice. "You wanna know something cool?"

I shrugged. "Sure, try me."

"Haruhi totally knows about the collar. I've used on her twice already today."

"Oh bull sugar!" I said.

"How would you know... Troggeriffic?"

"Will you quit fupping with my name already? You're worse than that Annoying Orange!" This Kyon was really starting to piss me off. "I already mentioned the collar to her twice," I said, "and she doesn't know a thing about it."

Non-Kyon gave me a devious look and nodded. "Uh huh. And you believe that?"

Just then Haruhi returned to the table. "So, Troggy, I hope you've had a few minutes to meet Mr. Ling here."

I looked up at Haruhi. "You knew?"

She pointed to her red hairband and nodded. "Alfonso and Kyon switch bodies every once in a while. Kyon really likes visiting 'The Real World' and hanging out with Nagaru. They discuss story ideas - that kind of stuff."

Non-Kyon and I were facing each other, seated at opposite sides of the square table. Haruhi chose the chair facing the door so I was on her left and Non-Kyon was on her right.

"Did you really do it twice already today with this guy?" I had to ask.

"No! Of course not!" Haruhi turned toward the liar. "He said that?"

"Uh-huh." I nodded.

Haruhi punched Non-Kyon in the shoulder - hard. "Stop that!" she said. "You jerk! Or I'm never letting Kyon take off again."

"Ouch!" Non-Kyon put his hand over his arm. "Sorry. I was just kidding." He rubbed the area. "You know your boyfriend is gonna be pissed when he sees this bruise."

"Kyon is not my boyfriend!" Haruhi yelled.

I laughed. "So this guy is as big a pain in the ass to you as he is to me?"

Haruhi angrily crossed her arms and nodded.

"Haruhi, you wouldn't believe the stuff he's written about you."

"Is it pretty bad?"

Non-Kyon reached into his backpack and pulled out a laptop computer. "Hey Haruhi, don't take Troggenstein's word for it. Here, read it for yourself." He flipped it open, pressed some keys and set the laptop in front of her.

Haruhi tested the mousepad and started clicking. "Hmmmm, 'Helping the Computer Club President Save Face'. Is that the one?"

"Yep," I said. "Tell me if it doesn't make your eyebrows twitch at Mach 5 speeds."

Haruhi pushed the laptop away. "Sorry, I can't read this. It's rated 'M'".

"Huh?" Non-Kyon and I said together.

"Why not?" I asked.

"I'm just not into that kind of stuff right now," Haruhi replied. "I don't need to be putting those kinds of images into my head. I know where it'll lead me." Haruhi shrugged. "Maybe in a few years." She pushed the laptop away.

"Then read 'Sniper'", Non-Kyon said. "That one's a 'T'".

"Just barely," I said.

Haruhi took the laptop back, clicked on the 'Sniper' story, and started reading. Her eyes lit up as she got further into the tale. Then she started giggling. She took a break and looked over at me. "This isn't so bad." When she finished, she smiled, then closed the laptop.

"Thanks, Al. That was a pretty funny story."

"Come on, Haruhi," I said. "That wasn't you."

"I know that," Haruhi replied. "It was sort of a caricature, but it wasn't that far off. I do have a habit of undressing when there are guys around. I don't even think about it." She turned to Non-Kyon. "So how does it end? Does Kyon beat me in a race?"

Non-Kyon flashed that evil smile. "Remember in 'The Day of Sagittarius', when you said '_Anyone accepting defeat will be punished by running ten laps around the school - naked! And you'll have to yell green Martians are chasing me! for the whole ten laps!_'? Well, you lose a bunch of times and-"

Haruhi grabbed Non-Kyon's face with her hand. "Don't you _even _go there!" she said.

"But it would be so hot," he managed to mumble.

"The other story is just like that," I said. "But about ten times worse!"

Haruhi thought about that. Her hand hovered over the laptop. But then she moved it away. "So, it's a pretty bad story?"

"Well, no," I admitted. "The _story_ is actually pretty good. It's just so freaking dirty!"

"Thanks for not saying-" Non-Kyon started to say.

"Oh shut up!" I said. This guy was so annoying! I continued, "I have to admit that it turned out pretty good. And it's really funny, I laughed pretty hard. By far, this was the dirtiest comedy I ever read. Despite the theme it _had_ an actual plot. I told him he should consider selling his script to a hentai company. There's some good money in that."

Non-Kyon sat there proudly and smiled.

"But if he adds more chapters, I'm not reading any more!" I looked over at Non-Kyon and shook my head. "Because everything he writes ends up in the same place - the gutter!"

"Yeah, right," he said. "You told me that after chapter two."

Haruhi looked over at me. "It's kind of hard to turn away, isn't it? You just gotta know what happens next," she said. She pushed the laptop back to Non-Kyon. "You see. That's why I don't even get started with that stuff."

"Well," I said. "Doesn't knowing that story is out there just bug the hell out of you?"

Haruhi sighed. "I don't know. I see the way guys look at me."

"And the way they look at Mikuru and Yuki and Ryoku and..." Non-Kyon butted in.

Haruhi waved his words away. "I know we're a group of pretty hot girls. And I admit, I'm partly to blame for the way some guys look at us. Mikuru's maid costume and the revealing bunny suits and all that."

"You look smoking hot in a bikini, too," Non-Kyon added.

"Thanks! Now shut up!" Haruhi stared Non-Kyon down. He shrunk back into his seat.

She continued. "Nagaru Tanigawa is just using the formula so many writers use. An average guy around a bunch of hot girls. What do you expect? Guys are just naturally going to go _there_. It's in their wiring."

"Why do guys have to be such reprobates?" I wondered out loud.

"Hey that's not totally fair now," Non-Kyon said. "You ladies have the Twilight Series. There's that homely chick Bella hanging around all those good looking vampires and that stud that turns into a werewolf. Stephenie Meyer used the same formula. And you girls love that stuff!"

"Kristen Stewart is kinda hot," I said.

Non-Kyon looked at me - yep - like I just ate a bug. "She might be cute. But she's not hot." He pointed to our host. "Haruhi is hot. Mikuru is hot. Ryoko is hot. Even Yuki is _way_ hotter than Bella."

Haruhi tried to stifle a smile at the compliment. I could tell she was starting to warm up to this guy. It probably helped that he looked exactly like Kyon. She turned to me and whispered in my ear. "He's not so bad. It's just a harmless guy thing."

The waitress came and served us our tea. The rest of our conversation went pretty well. After a while I totally got over my star-struck jitters. Non-Kyon remained his annoying silly self, but I got used to him, too. He really was harmless. And I could tell that he genuinely admired and respected Haruhi. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he lusted after her, too. She is a really pretty girl, after all. But overall this Alfonso Ling character wasn't such a bad guy.

After our meeting, everyone had stuff to do. Haruhi had to get home. Non-Kyon had some exploring he wanted to do downtown. I think he was working on another story that took place there.

My time was almost up, too. I wasn't sure how I was going to get home, though.

"I've got you covered," Haruhi said.

We all walked to the train station together. When I looked up at the schedule board, sure enough, there was a train heading back to 'The Real World'. What's up with that?

Haruhi must have read my mind. "I wished it," she said.

When we got to the platform, the train's doors were open and it was almost ready to leave. Haruhi put her arm around me and pulled me off to the side.

"Thanks for visiting," she said. "It was nice meeting you. And thanks for looking out for me over there."

"No problem," I replied.

"Come back and see me again, okay?"

I nodded.

She gave me a quick hug and I got on the train. As the train pulled away from the station, I saw Non-Kyon politely bow to Haruhi. She smiled and waved him off as he jogged back toward the city.

The last image I remember is Haruhi Suzumiya standing alone on the platform in the train station, a sort of sad, melancholic look on her face. I guess it's lonely when you're a god. I hoped her hairband would turn back to yellow soon.


End file.
